Omdat ge moet werken, omdat ge moet blokken, omdat uw lief zaagt, omdat ge nog een beetje van een kater hebt van oudejaarsnacht, omdat ge een beetje ziekskes zijt, omdagge eenzaam zijt of misschien omdat het efkes tegensteekt: andermans-miserie-entertainment.
Voor hen die de site/app Fuck My Life niet kennen: hierop kan je al dan niet anoniem opbiechten wat u is overkomen, telkens in dezelfde “Today,… FML”-formule, waarop men dan kan beslissen of het compleet verdiend was of uw leven inderdaad stinkt.
Een greep uit de meest recente bekentenissen die ik wel lachen vond:
Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, “THIS IS SPARTA!” and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML
Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML
Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML
Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML
Today, I had an amazing orgasm. So great that the shortness of breath triggered an extreme asthma attack. FML
Today, I’m sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I’m trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML
Today, I had a proper look at myself in the mirror. I have recently lost 5 lbs. Turns out that it mainly shows on my boob. Not boobs. Boob. Right one only. FML
Today, I was driving without my seatbelt on, when I noticed a police car approaching. I panicked and desperately fumbled around for my seatbelt, only for them to pass by with just a funny look. Then it hit me that I was riding my motorcycle. FML
Today, I set up a spy cam in my room to find out which one of my pervy brothers has been using my computer to watch porn. Turns out it was actually my father. I now have a video of him sitting in my chair masturbating, and I can’t get it out of my head. FML
Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML
Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML
Today, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I’m “a liar and a cheating bastard.” I’ve never seen her in my life, but I’m so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me. FML
Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won’t have sex. His reason? We’ve decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML
Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, “That’s nice”. FML
Today, I woke up thinking my house was on fire because I could hear crackling flames downstairs. I panicked and tripped out of bed. It was the fireplace channel I left on last night so I could wake up to a Christmas ambiance. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I felt down, so I laid in bed and told my parents I needed some alone time. A couple of minutes later, one of them started blasting “All by Myself” so loud that I felt the floorboards vibrate. FML
Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named “Thomas” has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML
Today, I told my husband to tell me his wildest fantasy. He told me it was to put on fake antlers and “do it like deer”. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML
Today, a friend informed me that my dog’s name means “penis” in Greek. I live in a predominantly Greek neighbourhood, and apparantly I’ve been screaming for “dong” every evening for the past 3 years. No wonder they don’t talk to me much. FML
Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn’t summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML
Today, I was on a crowded bus when the woman behind me vomited. The guy next to her was a sympathy puker. So were 3 other people. There was no room to escape. FML
Today, I have the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML
Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I’m of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML
Today, I woke up to my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML
En last but not least, mijn favorietje:
Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying “Yes, Master” whenever I ask him for something. FML